


Forever, Kylo Ren

by idrilhadhafang



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Conflicted Kylo Ren, Epistolary, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Has Issues, M/M, Past Poe Dameron/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Past Torture, Pre-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Unsent letters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2019-12-18
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:14:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21843511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: A letter unsent, from Supreme Leader to Resistance General.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Kylo Ren
Comments: 2
Kudos: 37
Collections: Genprompt Bingo Round 17





	Forever, Kylo Ren

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Epistolary fic: Emails, letters etc.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

  
_Poe,  
  
I can only call you that because this is in private, only for myself. I can’t bring myself to send you this letter; I can’t imagine you want to speak to me, to have anything to do with me. If you could even bring yourself to look at me, it would be a miracle — a testament to how much of a good man you are. The man that I loved even before I knew those feelings had a name. Since we were but younglings. I wish I didn’t remember that. Ben Solo is dead, he deserves to be dead. You don’t know how weak he was. How pliable. How he lay awake and listened to the galaxy screaming over and over. Even his parents couldn’t help, and his uncle? Well, his uncle wanted him dead. It says volumes about how rotten he was that even Luke Skywalker wanted him crushed like an insect, put down like a rabid kath hound.  
  
I wish I hadn’t interrogated you. I wish that I had been stronger. You’re wondering why I did it, without a doubt. The truth is, I never enjoyed the interrogations. I always found them disgusting. The first prisoner I interrogated, I had to go and vomit afterwards. I couldn’t bear the idea of what I had done. I couldn’t bear the idea that I had shattered the mind of another. Hurting another, truly, was unthinkable.   
  
There were so many things I didn’t have the stomach to do. Now...now, it’s like breathing for me. I should find it satisfying. I should find it a sign that I am becoming the man I am meant to be, and yet somewhere inside me, I feel disgusted. Maybe it’s a sign I should continue to bury these feelings. To stuff them where no one could reach. They’re hindering me, holding me back. Even killing Han Solo hasn’t strengthened me. “The Force will free me” — I study the Sith Code again and again in my route to Moraband, and I can only swear it’s taunting me. It’s reminding me that I should be liberated, and I am not.  
  
“Through victory my chains are broken” — such a joke. At least they got one part of the Sith Code right, about peace being a lie.   
  
I sometimes wonder how you ended up as Resistance leader, going directly against me. Rey is my enemy in combat, you are my mirror image. The man I could have been if not for unhappy chance. Perhaps that was another reason I loved you. It’s easy to love that which is like you. Rey and I are opposites in the Force, you and I are similar. The difference is that you burn brighter than I could ever dream of. Besides the similarities between us, the fact that you are a good man makes it nigh impossible not to love you with all I am. You are a rarity. Someone and something that if the galaxy collapsed and you remained, I would be grateful that you still lived.   
  
And the truth is that I am weak, and I wish I had taken you with me. Even the snippets I get of your voice over the Holonet, your speeches, don’t compare to what I remember. The sound of your breathing when I lay next to you, the warmth of your body, the beating of your heart that I always treasured because it meant you lived, that you existed, that someone so bright and wonderful still burned brightly. The truth is that I am the monster that the Resistance would give anything to kill, but even monsters, I suppose, have their weaknesses. What they want no one to know.   
  
Poe. My angel. It wasn’t your fault that I became this. Of all the beings, you had the least to contribute in what happened to me. You kept me from the cold in my worst moments, you saw who I was and loved me all the same. (I still don’t know why. I don’t know why you looked at me, a young man with the galaxy screaming in his head, and loved me. You could have had whoever you wanted, anyone who would appreciate not only your beauty, but your talent, your passion, your pure heart...and you chose me) Everything I did was my fault. I’ve gone too far along this road to leave. I don’t know if this story has a happy ending. Dark Siders rarely get those. I can only assume I must continue on this path, and pray the galaxy I give you outlives my weakness.   
  
I love you, Poe. Savior, leader, hero — I do not know where this story will lead us. I can only pray that I do not fail in what I do. We may be on opposite sides, but I love you still, more than anyone could ever know, and I’m sorry for all I did under Snoke, and all I will do.  
  
I may be Supreme Leader of the First Order, but in my heart, I am yours.   
  
Forever,  
Kylo Ren_


End file.
